Insomniatic
by ToTheBeatofMyOwnDrummer
Summary: -Late Birthday Gift Fic for TheProblematique- Because the good of the many will always outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. Except when it comes to him.


To everyone expecting a new NPP chapter, I am so sorry the new update is taking me so terribly long you guys! I promise I'll have the next chapter out soon okay? Pleasedonthurtme.

Anyway, this is a Birthday Gift Fic for the wonderfully amazing TheProblematique who is an awesome Star Trek fanfic writer and you should go check her out immediately because she is amazing and will make a KS-shipper out of you yet! :D

Sorry the fic is late hun, I got distracted with life and totally forgot. Because I am a horrible person. And sorry it's not very good! I don't write Star Trek and this just sounds forced to me but I hope you like it anyway! ^^;

Disclaimer: Oh God. If I owned Star Trek with writing like this, Gene Roddenberry would roll over in his grave.

And as always, any and all mistakes are mine.

Enjoy. (:

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><p>Is it easy to ignore it at first you suppose. By pretending it isn't there, that this isn't happening. But it is happening and you know it is and you're….<p>

Terrified.

It's hard to admit and you really still haven't admitted that fact to yourself and perhaps that's not healthy and not emotionally stable and things of that nature, but that's the way it is and you don't want it to change.

But you're doing a good job of ignoring it you think, you hope. But it's so hard to do and it breaks you a little do so but you know you must; for everyone's sake, and because the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.

And you are the only one you know it and you pretend that doesn't hurt but it does, so much. And you're sick of the pain and the heartache and the _wanting_ and the _oh please please please look at me as something other than your friend_. But he won't and you know he won't and you've told yourself time and time again that you've accepted that.

And sometimes you wonder just how many times you'll have to repeat that to yourself before you actually believe it. You know deep down that you never will because it is a horrible, terrible, _lie._

But its better this way it really is. Because suffering alone and suffering quietly means that you won't give into the temptation to try and blame this situation these reprehensible _feelings _on anyone but yourself. Because you refuse to blame _him _for something that you know is your fault and your 'cross to bear' as the old Terran saying goes.

So you take a deep breath and you go about your day. You interact with the crew and _him_ but you remain focused and contained and you don't give anything away and this may be…no, this IS by far the hardest thing you've ever had to do. And no matter what he tells you, you really are good at this sort of thing, have been hiding your true emotions for the better part of your entire life and you. can. do. this. You must.

Because you've convinced yourself that this is your fault and no one else should have to feel pain for your mistake and since you've realized you would rather die than allow him to feel pain in any way, shape, or form, you fight your hardest to keep yourself in control and not do anything that you may later regret. Because if _you _are the reason he stops looking at you, stops talking to you, stops showing any emotion to you, stops _smiling_ at you, and if _you _are the reason that light goes out in his eyes….You will not survive it.

But despite all this, and despite all your talk of getting over it and accepting it and moving on and _living with it_, you still cannot see what is right in front of your face. Can't see the way people look at the two of you and wonder when you will finally open your eyes and _see _what's going on.

Because no matter how hard you try, you cannot hide this. You could live your whole life and never have the skill to hide this warm, aching, beautifully painful feeling that nearly suffuses your entire being when you're with him. And perhaps that is why you don't see the anguish in the eyes of the people who care for the both of you as they watch you two dance around what you really want to say. Because your eyes are always on him, you cannot see how much they hurt for you and only wish you to be happy.

And you are happy. You can own up to that. It is a hollow, shallow, throbbing happiness, but happiness just the same. Because if he will only always look at you with that secret light in his eyes for the rest of your life, no matter the cause and no matter what might actually be behind it, you will never question anything he says to you as long as that light that speaks of _life, affection, friendship, joy _says within him, you can never be anything other than happy. You will not allow it.

You will fight, die, kill, bleed, and withstand anything as long as you can stay by his side and you always will, no matter what. You will protect this bond with him as though it is you own life-no, like it is his life, which will forever mean so much more to you than your own; for his own good, if not for yours and for the good of the ship, and the mission, and the crew, and the universe. Because the good of the many will always outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

Except when it comes to him.

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><p>Hope you liked it at least a little despite it's unworthiness bb. Happy birthday Problem! :D<p> 


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